I am tucked up in our air-conditioned bedroom on freshly washed sheets, after a sublime massage, and… I am pissed. Really full of anger. I can feel my mouth pouting and I am glaring and I am trying to laugh at how ridiculous it is, but I can’t even manage that. I’m mad that even as relaxed and tired as I was, I can’t fall asleep. I’m mad about a couple of family issues that I can’t solve or even particularly help and are threatening to cause disruption in our lives. I’m mad about the demented shit show that American political life seems to have devolved into. I’m mad that I have spent 59 days wrestling my bottle-of-red habit to the ground and now I have to do the same with my 58-day-old bar-of-Lindt habit and I am chubby and my clothes don’t fit me and I am SICK of my clothes not fitting me and I LOVE chocolate and giving things up feels so hard and tiring.
Instead of lying here stewing about all of that I decided to write this, and particularly to identify some things to be grateful about.
My head is clear enough to recognize what I am feeling and name it: anger.
If I am not free from shame (who among us, right?) I am at least not buckling under the weight of it as I was 59 days ago, and I do not have to be ashamed of this anger. I don’t have to defend it, or justify it or vanquish it because it doesn’t mean that I am an awful or mean or weak person, and I can type that and really feel it to be true (mostly. Who… etc.).
I didn’t use the stresses of today as an excuse to get drunk and belligerent – or emotional and sorry for myself – and so be overwhelmed by this emotion and potentially take some self-righteous ill-advised drunken action that would have made things worse, and made these not-my-problems my problems.
I am tucked up in an air-conditioned bedroom in the middle of a heatwave, on clean sheets.
This community and platform exists, and contrary to all of my expectations when I started it, I have created a “proper,” real live blog and been able to write this (possibly, hopefully) somewhat coherent post and one way or another it has helped me ride out this wave. I’m not even really pouting any more.
I am grateful for the people who read and the people who comment and the people who write their blogs. You help in so many, many ways.
Tomorrow will be the 59th morning that I have woken up without a hangover and even if I am underslept (and probably still a bit crabby) that is so much better than the way I woke up all the mornings before that.
A lot to be grateful for, it turns out! xx