Hot Cross… Me

I am tucked up in our air-conditioned bedroom on freshly washed sheets, after a sublime massage, and… I am pissed. Really full of anger. I can feel my mouth pouting and I am glaring and I am trying to laugh at how ridiculous it is, but I can’t even manage that. I’m mad that even as relaxed and tired as I was, I can’t fall asleep. I’m mad about a couple of family issues that I can’t solve or even particularly help and are threatening to cause disruption in our lives. I’m mad about the demented shit show that American political life seems to have devolved into. I’m mad that I have spent 59 days wrestling my bottle-of-red habit to the ground and now I have to do the same with my 58-day-old bar-of-Lindt habit and I am chubby and my clothes don’t fit me and I am SICK of my clothes not fitting me and I LOVE chocolate and giving things up feels so hard and tiring. 

Instead of lying here stewing about all of that I decided to write this, and particularly to identify some things to be grateful about. 

My head is clear enough to recognize what I am feeling and name it: anger. 

If I am not free from shame (who among us, right?) I am at least not buckling under the weight of it as I was 59 days ago, and I do not have to be ashamed of this anger. I don’t have to defend it, or justify it or vanquish it because it doesn’t mean that I am an awful or mean or weak person, and I can type that and really feel it to be true (mostly. Who… etc.). 

I didn’t use the stresses of today as an excuse to get drunk and belligerent – or emotional and sorry for myself – and so be overwhelmed by this emotion and potentially take some self-righteous ill-advised drunken action that would have made things worse, and made these not-my-problems my problems. 

I am tucked up in an air-conditioned bedroom in the middle of a heatwave, on clean sheets. 

This community and platform exists, and contrary to all of my expectations when I started it, I have created a “proper,” real live blog and been able to write this (possibly, hopefully) somewhat coherent post and one way or another it has helped me ride out this wave. I’m not even really pouting any more. 

I am grateful for the people who read and the people who comment and the people who write their blogs. You help in so many, many ways. 

Tomorrow will be the 59th morning that I have woken up without a hangover and even if I am underslept (and probably still a bit crabby) that is so much better than the way I woke up all the mornings before that.

A lot to be grateful for, it turns out! xx

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10 thoughts on “Hot Cross… Me”

    1. Thank you so much for this. I feel like I take so much strength and support and inspiration from this community (and very much from your beautiful writing,) it makes me really happy to think of GIVING even just a little inspiration. xxx

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      1. You do inspire people. This is real and it’s honest and means SO much more than some flowery poetry or some of the bollox I write about at times lol (but thanks so much for saying I have beautiful writing – that was lovely and I really appreciate it). Would you mind if I reblogged this though? I think more people should read this. X

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  1. Every time you work through those feelings without drinking new pathways are strengthening in your brain. I completely get the feeling of having clothes that don’t fit and the lindt bars are really difficult to put down. Cross addictions will come up but tackle that when you feel ready. One thing at a time. I am conviced that sugar keeps alchohol cravings alive. (this is just my theory) I praticlally mainlined magnum ice creams in my first couple of months (roughly the same time last year) I’m off the sugar but back on the fags so Lordy there is always something! One day I’ll be one of those people that jump out of bed and meditate and drink hot water and lemon. For now I roll out of bed, have a fag and 2 cups of coffee. xxx

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    1. Ah, Magnums… You know I stoppped smoking “officially” on my 25th birthday and haven’t had so much as a drag in more than nine years, and after all that time of not missing it at all I have found myself thinking that a cigarette sounds nice. I guess it is at least in part born of the habit of self medicating emotions – if not with one thing then the other. As to coffee…. Hurrah indeed! 😂😳 “Don’t talk to mommy until she has had her coffee” is the closest we have to a family motto.

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      1. I TOTALLY agree with the ‘one thing at a time’ phrase. I gave up smoking 10 years ago because I felt so ill. 3 years ago (I don’t believe in rushing things lol) I gave up chocolate. I haven’t smoked or eaten chocolate since. When I was morbidly obese & smoking, the Dr told me that it would be more beneficial to quit smoking first. It was my choice though. My main addiction was ALWAYS food and chocolate in particular so when I eventually went cold turkey with it, my health improved about 90%. I was joking about the timescale, but seriously, you CAN’T expect to give up everydamnedthing cos that’s unrealistic. Now I don’t smoke, I don’t drink much and I am trying to quit sugar again, but it’s been a long haul. I’m so inspired by you and by others on here. You’re in my thoughts every day. X

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      2. I did catch myself in a little spiral of crazy – now I’ve kicked the booze I’ll quit sugar! And caffeine! And maybe carbs! And tv! lol – nuts. I am really going to try to get a handle on the sugar because I think it has a clear negative effect on my health (and mood, weirdly) but in the cold light of Friday night (ha!) I realize that alcohol is going to have to be my priority for the next little (long) while. Thanks for sharing this. xxx

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      3. Yes! Identifying the thing that is affecting your health or your life in the worst way and working on that first.

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  2. Way to go! Taking the time to acknowledge and write down what has been bothering you. Sometimes it just takes putting it out in the Universe to lessen the weight of it and the severity of how it is affecting you. Doing so, allows the burden to lift a bit.

    You DO have so much to be grateful for, you are doing an amazing thing, and I am very thankful that you keep sharing the presence of where you are in this process that we are all trying to maintain. xo.

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